Those words pretty much sum up my life right now.
I felt like it would be a good idea to just let my feelings out on this post. Just to let all of my frustration and feelings out. So feel free to stay and read this post or continue on with your day, which I hope is a merry one.
Lately, I've just come to terms with how much of a fail I am. I know, it took me my whole life to figure this out (and I'm a high school student). I think I kind of knew back a few years ago that my life was starting to go downhill, and my bad habits kept on getting worse and worse. But when it actually happened, I didn't know what to do. Now, I STILL don't know what to do.
Before I go into some details, I just want to let you know what I was brought up with. Anime. Manga. Books. So that's the reason why I have such a fantastical mindset, although, I don't think it's obviously apparent when you meet me in real life, or even talk to me online. I thought I was kind of like Naruto, I know, how conceited of me, but it wasn't in a way that I thought I was ninja or I had special powers, it was that I thought I was the main character. And you know how people say, "no one cares about you" or "you're just one in a billion" and stuff like that? It's true. Even if someone becomes a celebrity, only a few of them actually stay in the minds of society for a long time. Sooner or later, they will all be forgotten. That's what I think. But regardless of opinion, it is truth that you(reader) and I are both just mere consciousness that is bound to fade, forgotten in this wide universe. Not even a star to represent us.
You must be thinking, "what has this have to do with anything?" You're right, I got a little side-tracked. Back to the part where I was a conceited brat, because I thought I was the main character and it was MY story, I thought that I was guaranteed to have a great future. Because I grew up in a nice family, because I got good grades in school, because everyone called me smart, I thought that it was impossible for my future to be anything less than "good". Until now. I'm not the main character. This isn't my story. I have the same chance of failure and destruction as everyone else, maybe an even higher chance due to the fragility of my mental state. Never before have I thought about cutting or actually trying to kill myself. I do now; regularly even. This is an extremely dangerous position to be in because I don't even know what I am going to do to myself. Although I know I would never hurt myself, does my subconscious know? Or is my subconscious recognizing that I am hurting on the inside and need an outlet to release the pain?
I really don't want people who read this to be concerned for me (because seeking help would mean a psychiatrist or something and I assure you, trying to make me see one would evoke my death faster than depression), I'm just considering the worst possible outcome. But yes, I have to admit, death does sound pleasant to me. It's sad, I know. Life is beautiful, they said. You are lucky to have the chance to live and experience life, they said. I understand that. Totally. Yet I don't understand at the same time. Because I haven't enjoyed life. I know I've wasted my life. I know I haven't even tried to live life to the fullest.
This is starting to sound like I'm making excuses and I am. I recognize that. Making up excuses for things that I am too damn lazy to do seems like this was what I was born to do. Make excuses. Stay inside all the time. Become a social hermit.
All I can think of right now is a countdown. A countdown to my full deterioration. And it started a long time ago.
Being the hermit that I am, it made me realize how extremely vital social interaction with other people is. It can stop him from hanging himself. Maybe tonight, she won't cry herself to sleep. Maybe he won't try to swallow his mom's whole prescription drug bottle.
It was the absence of my social life that brought me into depression. I'm relatively sure of it.
And with depression, comes a lot of baggage. At first, I thought that I was just a lazy person that I couldn't get things done but that wasn't it(I had persistence when it comes to things I absolutely needed to get done.)
It was because I lacked motivation. Like, serious lacking. The fire I had for certain things had slowly dwindled to a small cooking flame. I thoroughly enjoyed playing tennis. I still like tennis. However, now, I'm seriously contemplating just dropping it and giving up because I don't have motivation to play it anymore. It wasn't because I was discouraged or anything, it was just the time away from the courts and my endless days home during the summer has made me think twice. I did make my decision, and I'm not giving up tennis. Ever. I know I'm not trying to aim to be a pro but tennis was the first time I actually wanted to try hard at a sport and get physically active. I'm not going to drop the racket and let all my efforts go to waste.
So back to the lack of motivation; one day, I really needed a motivation boost so I got down to the root of the problem; why exactly was I demotivated? I googled searched it and the first result was talking about, surprise surprise, symptoms of depression. That was when I first realized that I was experiencing "depression". Even though I knew what depression was, I didn't actually know. Because I had never experienced it. It was like one of those beautiful, foreign celebrities; the people that you see on T.V., and only on T.V., people that almost seemed god-like, untouchable, unreachable. Of course, that's silly, all of them are people too but that's what my childish mind thought. At that time I still had that main-character syndrome. Since I was the "main-character", I couldn't possibly get depressed or experience this emptiness. It seemed that my mind was trying to block out the truth, the reality that I was not special.
But don't worry, now I got it. I'm not special, I'm not unique, I'm just a blur that is bound to fade into the earth when my time is over. This isn't a depressing thought, nor downputting. It's the truth. It's reality. And I'm typing this because I want to accept it. I want to try working harder at the things I love to do. I don't want to give up. I don't want to disappoint my parents; I have so much I need to give back to them; all the years they spent raising me, all the money they wasted on my selfish needs, and all the love and care they showered on me. I'm not going to leave this world yet, that I know, but the future? Nobody knows that. I don't know that. I'm not the main-character of this story. This ISN'T a story. This is reality. Everything's fair game. Events can't be predicted. The weather could diverge from the forecast. And that's completely fine.
Besides this, I've been having weird, random thoughts lately. I could just be sitting on the toilet and the sudden realization that I'm actually living on this planet, in this galaxy, in this universe, comes crashing down on me. I've also found myself asking more and more questions, and they're not even philosophical questions or even deep inquiries, they're stupid stuff like, "what if what I'm experiencing right now is all just a long memory and I'm actually on the verge of dying?" Other things I think about are too stupid to even remember. This is why I say I'm a total fail. My brain runs at almost 10 mph. I'm very slow and thick-headed that I, myself, can't even believe. Heck, I can't even learn freaking, simple math from an effing textbook. If you can't tell, I'm extremely frustrated with myself right now. But I'm okay. I will learn to love and accept myself for who I am. Not without trying to change myself for the better of course. Wow, I sounded like a depressing jerk right there. No, actually, I sound like a depressing jerk for this entire post.
I need to stop.
Thank you if you actually took the time to read this post. It really means a lot to mean. I'm barely covered now, because I've shown the internet my most vulnerable side (which isn't a such a smart move, I know but I'm not smart) and I hope whoever reads this respects that.
I hope you have a fantastic day and please keep your chin up high. Don't give up. Find your passion. Pursue your dreams. Don't look back. Ever.
Don't take that chance to lie on the couch all day long. Push yourself up and get moving. Do something everyday that you can call that day "productive."
Okay, I'm going to go now. This post was totally unplanned so sorry, if my sentences are really choppy.
I hope to make some real content tomorrow.
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